


Girls and Boys

by endemictoearth



Category: My Mad Fat Diary
Genre: Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-17
Updated: 2013-06-17
Packaged: 2018-04-09 09:53:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,063
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4343954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/endemictoearth/pseuds/endemictoearth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Archie POV fic from Series 1, leads up to him asking Rae out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Girls and Boys

**Author's Note:**

> This is another experiment I’ve been working on for far too long. I wanted to work out Archie’s motivations for asking Rae out … don’t know if I completely got there, but I need to stop rewriting it endlessly.

_“It is better to believe in men too rashly, and regret, than believe too meanly. Men could be more than they are, if they would try for it. He has shown them that. How many have tried, because of him? Not only those I have seen; there will be men to come.” - Mary Renault_

Archie had underlined this passage in the novel he was reading about Alexander the Great’s life. He thought about doing things rashly and living with the probable regret. Of just telling his friends and family his secret. Getting everything out in the open and letting the chips fall where they may.

He figured his mum would be okay with it. His dad? He was less sure. He might come around eventually, but he imagined the tension crackling in the stale air of their house, day in and day out until he went to university … over a year of shallow breaths and feeling tense every minute. It didn’t seem worth it to him.

How would his friends react? Chop seemed to roll with whatever came up, so he figured it wouldn’t be much of an issue for him. He knew Izzy would be fine with it; she had a knack for accepting everyone. Finn was a moody git, and he might view Archie with suspicion for keeping this from him for so long. Chloe was new to the group; he thought she’d probably side with the majority opinion, go along to get along.

Archie had replayed various confessional scenes and everyone’s hypothetical reactions time and time again. It wasn’t getting him anywhere. He sighed and focused his attention back on the book in his hands. When he was living vicariously through long-dead kings and generals, he didn’t have to worry about what to do right now in his real life.

* * *

“Where’ve ya been, Arch?”

“I, uh, was organisin’ the pool chemicals. We prob'ly need to order some … more chlorine.”

Nick nodded absent-mindedly. “It’s on the standing order, but thanks for checkin’, mate.”

Archie tried to measure his exhalation, and not blow out a cartoonish “PHEW!” complete with exaggerated brow wipe. Because of course he hadn’t been checking the pool chemicals. He’d been doing the thing that simultaneously thrilled him and filled him with so much self-loathing he could hardly stand it. His heart went on a roller-coaster ride in his chest each time he looked through the poorly-placed vent. He mentally counted the number of times he’d done it, since he discovered it while putting away the exercise mats three weeks ago. Eight. Eight times. Most of the guys weren’t even fit; he figured it was mostly the danger of being caught that got him excited. Except, he hadn’t ever felt this way when he looked at lads mags with his mates. Not even close.

* * *

It wasn’t pity, at least, he didn’t think it was pity. When he first saw Chloe’s friend that day in the road, squinting against the brightness of the sun, shoulders slumped as though she’d just been bested in battle, Archie heart went out to her. He gave her what he hoped was a friendly smile, and she’d raised her eyebrows in surprise and looked away.

When she showed up in the pub later on, he still hadn’t caught her name. From his place in the corner, he observed her walk over to the table with apprehension. He could see how nervous she was from across the room, and saw something of himself in her. The way she seemed to live inside her head, and look out of her eyes like she were peering through an attic window.

He glanced over at her for a moment as he played his song, and saw a flash of such hopeless longing in her eyes. He didn’t think it was for him, just for SOMETHING.

Later, at the chippy, he noticed her standing outside the group, watching them, seeming afraid to join in. If he hadn’t known Chop and Finn for years, he would have felt the same way. But she seemed afraid of Chloe, too. So, maybe it was the tiniest bit of pity. She looked so lost, and no one else seemed to see it.

* * *

“What have you been up to, Archie?” Chop asked, waggling his eyebrows.

Whenever Archie went quiet for a bit, sticking close to home and being anti-social, Chop always hoped he was off doing something naughty.

“Literally nothing,” Archie sighed and Chop rolled his eyes.

Finn and Chop were easy friends in many respects, but when it came to relationships, they were light years ahead of him. He’d kissed a few girls, at first because it was what you did, and later to play along and stay under the radar. Increasingly, though, Chop’s talk of throwing girls around like empty shell suits, and the hushed reports he’d gotten from Finn after each late evening with a random fit girl made him feel uncomfortable. But he nodded and smiled, ever fearful they would ask him who he had last gotten off with.

The only person he had even almost gotten off with was a bloke named Theo he’d met on his family’s trip to Corfu last summer. They had spent a couple of days frolicking energetically in the waves of the Mediterranean. Theo’s English was not great, but they knew each other’s names. One day, Theo had led Archie around a curve of beach to a sort of cave. He pointed out some starfish and Archie leaned his head forward to get a closer look, having left his glasses on the towel with his parents. Theo must have taken this as a sign, because he leaned in for a kiss.

Archie was surprised, but not disgusted. He had leaned back in shock, but when he didn’t run away, Theo tried it on again. Archie tasted the salt on his lips from the sea, and felt Theo’s hands range over the muscles of his back. He … didn’t hate it. But did he like it? When Theo’s hand tried to pull at the waistband of his swimming trunks, Archie leapt back in indignation. He shook his head and said “No,” but Theo tried it on again. Archie then remembered that “Neh” was yes in Greek, so he thought for a second and said, “OHkee!” Theo looked confused, but put his hands up, as if to say, “Sorry, mate! Thought you were up for it!” Archie watched his slightly fuzzy silhouette retreat back to the beach.

He didn’t see Theo for the rest of their trip, which he spent lying on his towel, wearing a t-shirt over his trunks, listening to the Blur cassette he’d brought over and over on repeat.

* * *

He would have been the brainy one of the gang no matter what his sexuality. However, feeling disconnected in real life, unsure of how to classify himself, meant that he was all too willing to spend hours studying or reading, getting out of his own muddled mind to focus on anything else.

Chop had left school before they started sixth form; formal education had never been for him. But Finn had stuck around, saying he wasn’t quite sure what he wanted to do with himself. He decided to see if he could stick more school, since working in a garage with Chop didn’t appeal to him. But Archie knew Finn’s heart wasn’t in it. While Archie was doing extra revisions, Finn would flick through music magazines and comment how no decent DJ he’d ever heard of had gone to university.

He could tell Rae wasn’t a swot like he was, memorizing facts and quotes from history to pepper conversations with, but he could see she never stopped observing and thinking. You could practically hear the gears in her mind constantly whirring away. She was quick-witted, and came out with some impressive vocabulary. Archie loved using the right word, not a word that approximated what he was thinking or feeling, but one that hit it right on the head, hammering his point home. So when Rae described something as “arse-achingly tedious,” his ears perked up and he started really listening to her.

He found himself sneaking glances at her, trying to figure her out. She appeared to sit near him on purpose, but not in an obvious way, and she stared at him pretty intently when they got the chance to talk. She seemed interested in what he had to say, but a little distracted overall. She definitely wasn’t like other girls he had met. She seemed, in spite of her occasional spikiness, like she was someone who could be sympathetic. He could tell that she felt things deeply, maybe too deeply, and he could relate to that. When he meditated on how many nights he had stayed up, trying to dissect his emotions, conjugate his feelings, work them out like algebraic equations. He understood being overwhelmed by the enormity of your thoughts. It was a relief for him to meet someone else who didn’t seem have it all figured out, who wasn’t cool and collected, and who sometimes looked as scared as he felt.

* * *

“Are you comin’ in here or not, Arch?” This time it was Finn yelling at him.

Archie shook his head. “Maybe later, mate!” he shouted back.

Finn shrugged a silent “suit yourself.”

Chloe, Chop, Finn, and Izzy were all in their swimming costumes, ready to start the party. He was hanging out in the garden. Really he was hanging back, waiting. He realized he was waiting for Rae. He’d seen her yesterday in the street, hiding behind that inflatable crocodile, being shouted at by that trio of fucking idiots, and all he’d been able to muster was a lame, “What’s goin’ on here?” He hated conflict, but wanted to do something, say something. The second the shopkeeper turned off the alarm, satisfied there wasn’t a fire, Rae had run into the store, without a glance backward. He had been replaying the scene in his head ever since, feeling like a bigger fucking idiot than those three twats in the street combined.

When she crept in the garden entrance, eyes darting around, Archie was glad she’d made it. He wasn’t sure she’d come, after yesterday. She was wearing a lot of clothes, and he tried to make a joke about the crocodile. Rae’s face froze, and he backtracked. “Not a lot of people could have styled it out the way you did,” he said, hoping she knew he was trying to break the ice.

He confessed to her the secret shame that he could name, not the one that mattered, the one that would get her in the pool. As she gazed down the collar of his shirt, he hoped there was still something to see. Then they made their pact: each would go in the water. As he shook her hand, Archie wondered why he cared if she had a good time.

* * *

Then, that day at the pub, when everyone had been talking about orgasms, Archie felt twisted up with awkwardness, desperate to change the subject. When Rae walked in, he perked up, seeing his chance to escape the comparisons and stories that were inevitable. He said her name with such hope and enthusiasm; he almost didn’t recognize his own voice. “Save me from this conversation!”

Unfortunately, Chop and Chloe continued to hijack the proceedings, and when Chloe turned her head with that mask of innocence and asked Rae to share her best sexual experience, Archie could see the blood drain away from Rae’s face. She quickly made her excuse to leave, but Archie didn’t want her to go. An idea had been forming in his brain and he wanted time with her to see if it was feasible. But he knew from her reaction, that she must be even more inexperienced than he was.

He realized that he quite liked her. Maybe not LIKE liked her, as he’d heard gaggles of girls say: "I don’t even like him; I certainly don’t LIKE like him!” But maybe he could? Maybe he could be normal. He’d only ever kissed a bloke once, and that wasn’t enough to be sure … was it? He made up his mind about Rae, after she bolted from the pub that night. It might be rash, and he might regret it, but he was going to ask her out.


End file.
